Wierd

i feel sad, angry, disappointed, not myself.

why can't I just forget you? I want you out of my system. It hurts soo much, and I know I have to stop thinking about you. 9 months of suffering are definitely enough. I love you a lot, and I know I never told you that since we broke up., but I do. and I know that you don't love me, and that you've got a bunch of other girls on every hand, and that you have fun with them. And I know that it is selfish to ask that, but can't you see how much you are hurting me with this? I want you to disappear out of my memory, sometimes I actually wish I never had met you, or that I never would have made out with you that day. Just, that I wouldn't have to endure all that suffering. But then I think about all the good moments, and I know it was worth it. But there has to be a limit of how much a person can take, and I really can't take much more.

Love You.

when you least expect it, something great happens, like when Justin asked me to come to lisbon for a few days. At first i was really worried that my parents wouldnt let me because I wasn't at home all week, and I slept about 1 time the whole week at home. And i was sooo surprised when they said yes.

So the journey began, it was really short driving there, and then when we arrived, I could already feel the city air, it was wonderful. Smoking the first fag, in the city, was like something I really missed. I love big city's and it just feels soo much better being there.

The first day was quite calm, we only went shopping, and i found the prettiest shoes ever, in the coolest vintage store ever. bought some legal drugs, jj bought some shoes. then at night we went out in the bairro alto, which already was better, but anyways, i am not gonna complain. then we had the craziest journey to some place ;)

the next day, we spent the whole day looking for über-expensive and über rare Chanel shades, which was quite fun actually. We went home, after a long day of shopping, smoked some herbs, fell asleep. Woke up at like 6 in the afternoon, got ready for going out, and then went to the Mando Diao concert, were i dunno how, but got in without the free printout ticket, and i smuggeled us in, at the front, with my charme of course xD we had the funniest times with the guy I asked to let us pass in front, during the concert. And then we went to LUX, which was like the cherry on top of perfect 3 days, i met so many cool people in there, had the wierdest convo's, and hid from people xD i loved it. and i'm still loving it. ;)

pitch black.

The door closes, you think everything is lost and gone. The bathroom mirror stares at you while you click the blades out of the razor, you really think everything is gone forever and as the blood begins to flow. You feel relieved, but it's not as strong anymore as it used to be, it fades much quicker and you begin to cut deeper and deeper. The relieve is slowly fading into inconscience and you imagine swimming in a warm ocean, the warm blood all over you creates that nice warm feeling, you experience a feeling of warmth,comfort and care, you haven't felt since your parents left you. Everything that seemed so hard and destroying in the last time, flew away! You feel better than ever, until all of that leaves and everything becomes pitch black and it seems like as if you are in an endless fall.

.

true, real, perfect love is a myth brought upon us by fairytales and wedding agencies.

you have to fight, respect, compromise and try your hardest, an it will be never be perfect, it might be real or true, but it won't be spotless, perfect, impecable. Pain will always be involved, and if you survive the pain, you know that you are bound to last, but if you fall apart at the first crackle. then you know that it's not worth your tears, and that you can just stop now, than in half a year, after a huge bill of your psychologist.

i think what we have, is true, real love. it will never be perfect, i don't even want it to be perfect, because our flaws make us what we are. but i am up to some pain, i am up to standing through all this, for us. but the thing is, i don't know if you are.

Why am i sooo fucking fucked up??

this aint normal, i need help.