love?

When do you know that it is love?

... and not just the urge to have someone there to hug you?

you simply don't, until the day that you know that you can't live without the person anymore, and you need that person to make it through the day. That this person has to be fine, or you won't be fine, those are all evidences that it is love. But if those feelings really are of true nature, it will take it's time, and for the person you are with, to feel the same uncoditional core-shacking love, might even take longer or the same, or less time, but good things come to those who wait.

And those phony relationships were the two apparently are soulmates and have found true real love after two days, are just doomed to fail. Because god doesn't just give love out like that, you have to work for it, and what those couples have might be attraction and chemistry, but not love.

And once you've found love, you can't let it down, because it won't be as easy to find it again, and the more times you lose it, the harder it will be to find it again.

jimi hendrix

tu sabes (L)

fazes me bem amor, i want this to last.

Wierd

i feel sad, angry, disappointed, not myself.

why can't I just forget you? I want you out of my system. It hurts soo much, and I know I have to stop thinking about you. 9 months of suffering are definitely enough. I love you a lot, and I know I never told you that since we broke up., but I do. and I know that you don't love me, and that you've got a bunch of other girls on every hand, and that you have fun with them. And I know that it is selfish to ask that, but can't you see how much you are hurting me with this? I want you to disappear out of my memory, sometimes I actually wish I never had met you, or that I never would have made out with you that day. Just, that I wouldn't have to endure all that suffering. But then I think about all the good moments, and I know it was worth it. But there has to be a limit of how much a person can take, and I really can't take much more.

Love You.

when you least expect it, something great happens, like when Justin asked me to come to lisbon for a few days. At first i was really worried that my parents wouldnt let me because I wasn't at home all week, and I slept about 1 time the whole week at home. And i was sooo surprised when they said yes.

So the journey began, it was really short driving there, and then when we arrived, I could already feel the city air, it was wonderful. Smoking the first fag, in the city, was like something I really missed. I love big city's and it just feels soo much better being there.

The first day was quite calm, we only went shopping, and i found the prettiest shoes ever, in the coolest vintage store ever. bought some legal drugs, jj bought some shoes. then at night we went out in the bairro alto, which already was better, but anyways, i am not gonna complain. then we had the craziest journey to some place ;)

the next day, we spent the whole day looking for über-expensive and über rare Chanel shades, which was quite fun actually. We went home, after a long day of shopping, smoked some herbs, fell asleep. Woke up at like 6 in the afternoon, got ready for going out, and then went to the Mando Diao concert, were i dunno how, but got in without the free printout ticket, and i smuggeled us in, at the front, with my charme of course xD we had the funniest times with the guy I asked to let us pass in front, during the concert. And then we went to LUX, which was like the cherry on top of perfect 3 days, i met so many cool people in there, had the wierdest convo's, and hid from people xD i loved it. and i'm still loving it. ;)

pitch black.

The door closes, you think everything is lost and gone. The bathroom mirror stares at you while you click the blades out of the razor, you really think everything is gone forever and as the blood begins to flow. You feel relieved, but it's not as strong anymore as it used to be, it fades much quicker and you begin to cut deeper and deeper. The relieve is slowly fading into inconscience and you imagine swimming in a warm ocean, the warm blood all over you creates that nice warm feeling, you experience a feeling of warmth,comfort and care, you haven't felt since your parents left you. Everything that seemed so hard and destroying in the last time, flew away! You feel better than ever, until all of that leaves and everything becomes pitch black and it seems like as if you are in an endless fall.

.

true, real, perfect love is a myth brought upon us by fairytales and wedding agencies.

you have to fight, respect, compromise and try your hardest, an it will be never be perfect, it might be real or true, but it won't be spotless, perfect, impecable. Pain will always be involved, and if you survive the pain, you know that you are bound to last, but if you fall apart at the first crackle. then you know that it's not worth your tears, and that you can just stop now, than in half a year, after a huge bill of your psychologist.

i think what we have, is true, real love. it will never be perfect, i don't even want it to be perfect, because our flaws make us what we are. but i am up to some pain, i am up to standing through all this, for us. but the thing is, i don't know if you are.

Why am i sooo fucking fucked up??

this aint normal, i need help.

A fun Friday Afternoon :P

Childhood Memories

Everybody has childhood memories, and most of the times it is something significant that marked your life. But my favourite and most vivid childhood memory is about when we were making holidays in Greece. We went to a supermarket and there was this yoghurt I really wanted to have. I was about 3 years old, and although it is such a long time ago, I still remember everything. I asked mummy and daddy if I could have the yoghurt, but they said no, because there are no spoons in the hotel room, so therefore I wouldnt be able to eat it. But I showed them that there was a little plastic spoon, so they bought it. I can still exactly remember how the yoghurt looked like. It was yellow, tasted like vanilla, and it had little chocolate balls inside that popped in your mouth and that left a nice prickling sensation on your tongue. I remember this, as if it just happened yesterday, and it definitely reminds me of better times. I had my parents, a sweet and sticky yoghurt and we were on holiday. It's wierd how when you are little, you are happy about tiny things, and nowadays you don't appreciate the little wonders of life. @

.

I know what I am doing is wrong,
But it just feels sooo good, I don't want to stop.
@

For Him.

When you're young and you fall in love for the first time you start imagining the fairytale wedding and the monogramm towels and you don't even think about reality and the great probability of you getting hurt. your bubble could burst in a second, but you're too busy thinking about the wonderful life that you will have with him to even think about it. But when you have been badly hurt more than once, you imagining and believing in this dream, because you can just feel that you will get hurt again and that everything just is more than perfect so that it is impossible to last. Or also when you start going out for a while and you get into a routine, you stop thinking about the things and will probably start to find the guy boring. But with you everything is different, I have certainly been hurt more than once, and I stopped believing in true true love, and we are going out since a while already and obviously already some kind of routine between us. And eventhough we don't see eachother everyday, which would be perfect, but life's a bitch, I still love you like I did at the first moment, and every second i love you more. My own little bubble, that i am imagining, with our little baby called Sam, our pug called Leah, the cat that's called Cookie, and the goldfish who's name is Nemo starts becoming more realistic everyday because everything we have is getting more serious everyday. I really love you baby, and I hope you feel the same way about me. And although it's stupid when we are fighting, you're really cute when you try to be angry at me, cos you know that it's impossible :P

Whatever

The only thing I could hear was the doctor screaming " Away from the bed. NOW", it seemed like as if everybody moved in slow motion as the nurses moved away and the doctor placed the defilibrator on your chest. It all seemed so unreal and I felt like as if I was walking on a dream. When you didnt react to the electro shocks, I realised that everything could be over right now, but then all of a sudden i heard the beeping noise of your heartbeats. And I just knew that it was beating for me.

DIY Prison.

Rain was pouring down my cheeks, and it mixed with my salty tears. As I tasted the saltyness of tears and the acidity of the rain I realised how trapped I was.
I wasn't physically trapped, but I built myself this huge cage inside my chest that I just could not escape from.
I wish I could be as careless and joyful as I used to be, but you and all the responsabilitie's you chained on me prohib me from being my old me.
Everything changed and I can't break out from my prison anymore.

Leaving.

I hate Goodbye's and even if it is only for a short time, soo much will have changed and happened in between. And pictures don't replace having been there.
I want to go, I know that it is good for me to get out of here for a while, but it is so hard leaving all those people behind for this scale of time.
I know that I would be crazy not taking the job, cos it is like the best that could have happened, but I just don't want to spend one month and a bit of this precious summer time with strangers. I want to be with my friends, going out everynight, enjoying every second of this fabulous summer, going to the beach, and simply live all the magic moments that happen.
People would kill to get my job, I mean I am going to work as a babysitter for a famous event manager in germany and I am going to go to all the V.I.P events she is organizing to look after her kid. But I just don't want to leave this.
Everything is fine right now, I have awesome friends, I can do what I want from my parents and I don't need to bother about anything, except being at my exams on time.
And I want to be here when he comes back from England, he is the person I trust most and who knows everything about me, and knowing that I haven't seen him for a few months and then he is in portugal and I am not. Just kills me inside.
I know what Sarah will think when she reads this (if she bothers :P), but I know that this time it won't be like last time. We're friends, thats it. It's what we always were, and always will be.
Luckily I still get to spend some time with him when I am back, but it's too little. I want my Napoli back. He has to come back to Portugal and cheer me up everyday, like he used to. And I miss the person that always used to steal my fags.
I hated saying Goodbye to him in February, it was short and meaningless, but when he came back in Easter, it was much more than that.
Alex and I are practically exactly the same, we think the same way about stuff, and we always know what the other one is feeling, and thats my connection with him and that's why I consider him as one of my best friends.
I am confusing for everybody else, but he always understands what I mean and why I act like that, he was always there to cheer me up, and now everything is different.
That's why i hate Goodbyes, and that's why I don't wanna leave, cos I wanna spend as much time as I can with him. Cos although he is difficult at times, he means so much to me.
I wish I could be at two places at the same time.

Misteriousness

I am soooo motivated today, et je ne sais pas pourquoi, somehow I know that everything will get better from now on, well atleast with me, dunno bout my parents, but I don't want to think about them cos it will just take my good mood. Today someone said something really random to me, he said that I confuse him and that he never knows what I think or what I will do next, I just don't know if this is a good or bad thing, I mean it is good being misterious, but I don't want to be all closed up towards my friends, and he really is a good friend, and he said that it isn't only him who thinks that. I don't see myself as something special, or different or that I am very original, I simply live my life the way I want to, and if it's different from yours then thats nothing bad, cos I am me and you are you, and I am not going to live like you just because you think it is the right way of living, and I would never tell you to live like me, cos for me it is the right way, but it might not be for you. And if I act or dress differently then that's my problem, but you don't have reasons to judge about it, cos I don't judge about you as long as you wear clothes to school that hide your undies.

Career Counselling Part 2

I don't know what to write about, I lost my inspiration... Well I guess that I am single again, but I don't care anymore. I am not going to winge about the end of my relationship, cos it's always the same shit with the guys, and I am just soo bored of it. I fine being alone, and I think that I need some time on my own for a while, cos there is no point in rushing from one relationship into another, and I learnt that one the hard way, but whatever I am not going to write about this anymore. Well I actually wanted to write about the career thing, but I dunno what to say about it, well the women said I should go and study Sociology and research human behaviour, or work for the T.V as a journalist, or be a movie director, or go and do bio-chemistry and research in science cos apparently I am smart in that area, although i doubt it cos I got a BB in my co-ordinated science. Well I really still don't know what I should do later on, movie director sounds liek a good idea cos I love inventing scripts and then imaging how they are performed, and the T.V career is also something interesting because I love all those documentaries and I love watching the news, cos I just think you learn soo much about our world with it. The woman also said that I should look at jobs related to medicine, like nutrionist and I really don't get how the woman can suggest me being a nutrionist when I can't even eat regularly and healthy myself, how the hell am I gonna persuade other people to do it? I mean, I eat less than my 2 year old brother, and I only eat shit like the lemonissimo ice cream, sooo i doubt that people are gonna believe me when I tell them about healthy alimentation. All in all it was quite good to do it because I know now much more about some jobs, and what you can do when you later on after uni when you did a specific course.

Odeio escrever no blog em portugues.

Btw antes de lerem isso, deviam ter a nocao q o meu portugues é uma merda, pq ando num colegio ingles, e que nao tenho o teclado portugues, por isso nao tenho alguns acentos.

O que estou a sentir para ti é super estranho, porque sò te conheco a pouco tempo e ja és super importante para mim e tou a morrer de saudades tuas e nao aguento tar sem ti.. És me mesmo muito, e tudo ainda é muito cedo e tal, mas qu acho que nos somos mais do que sò uma curte. Porque se nao, nao iria estar a sentir o que estou a sentir neste momento. Eu gosto do que temos agora e nao quero perder isso, gosto do facto de nao ser nada de sério mas tambem ser mais do q sò uma curte. Nao consigo esperar até tarmos juntos outra vez, e estou tao feliz quando estou contigo e mesmo sendo seres um parvo/nojento/feio/deficiente/maluco estou super contente por te ter conhecido. Tambem andam a dizer que desde que te conheco estou diferente, que estou muito mais contente e alegre e que tudo a tristeza das ultimas semanas bazaram. E eles teem razao, desde que te conheco ja nao sou a mesma. E sim, sou tua, e nao me vais perder por nada e espero bem que nao te vou perder, porque ja nao quero tar sem ti. Adoro-te def @

Career Counselling

Yesterday i paid 100 euros for some stupid career counselling, and i think in some way it will help me, but in a nother it is proved that life never takes the way you want it to, so why should you do a stupid test which just asks you if you like something or not and then even pay for it?! I don't have a clue of what i want to be in my future execpt that i don't want to be a hooker/stripper/farmer/cleaning lady. So my parents made me do it, I am a bit skeptic about it, because why should a bunch of stupid questions determine what you will be later on? Oh well I will keep you updated when the results come.

2:40 in the morning

I feel stupid, I feel like someone out of some stupid movie who was left, I mean it is 2 something in the morning and I am eating chocolate and watching "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" for about the hundreths time, because it just reminds me off you and it reminds me of when we watched the movie, although we never really finished watching it. I just miss you soo much, it's sooo hard for me to move on, for you everything seems so easy, as if you didn't care anymore, but for me it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yes, I tried to move on, and I did stupid things to try it, I thought if I party a lot I will get distracted and move on, but it just made it worse, then I tried to talk to as many people as possible, to see if it will help me forget you, but it just showed me how lonely I actually am. I never wanted this to happen, I want you back, but I can't change your feelings towards me anymore, I wish I could, I know I would probably do anything for it to happen. Because you were my everything and in some kind of weird way you still are. I am sorry when I say mean, stupid things to you, that I know will offend you in some way, but I don't know why I am doing it, everything is just too much and I just can't take it anymore. I just can't believe that you could hurt me in such a way, although you always promised you never will. And that's what hurt's the most, you breaking your promise, and that's probably why I say those stupid things, I'm sorry I just never felt so left alone, humiliated, disappointed and sad, in some way you have to understand me or atleast try, because I am trying the same, although it's the hardest I have ever attempted to do.

Future..

What is your biggest desire for your future? For what would you fight? For what would you give your last shirt? Some people would do that for love, others for money. But love most of the times disappoints us, and money isn't the key to happiness. My biggest goal/wish/desire is to change something, to set a sign for the future, and to show people that everything is possible, if you want it, and try hard enough. It's not about being the best in something, or being naturally gifted, even if you are the dumbest person in the world, you can learn, and try and learn from your mistakes, and one day you then can proudly say, yes i changed something, even if it is the littlest thing, it will make a difference, many times the difference is bigger than you think. I absolutely don't have a clue what I wanna be when I am older, but I know I don't just wanna have a 9-5 job, like millions of others have, I wanna have a job that creates a difference, or gives me the possibility to change something. Like something that has got to do with research, were I can find cure's for diseases, or in fashion, were I can create trends that will influence generations. Probably it is even good not knowing what you want to be in future, instead of planning everything ahead, because life nearly never turns out the way you want it to be, sooo just living into the day and hoping for the best but expecting the worst probably is the best way to go in life...

Dreams @

I once dreamt of still being with you when i was old and grey, of still feeling the same intense love we had at the beginning, but soo much changed. You told me it's over, that I don't provoke anymore the same strong sensations to you as I did before, that all the love you had for me is gone and that it's never going to return. Now all my dreams are shattered, and all that I wanted, which was to be happy, seems impossible to obtain right now. Maybe one day I will find someone else, but it won't be the same than with you, you were everything that I wanted. We were ment to be, supposed to be, but we lost it. When I met you I had a broken heart, but you made me smile, and one thing led to the other. With you my heart healed again, and I was so happy to have found someone that completes me, now the shattered pieces of my heart surround me, and I ask myself if it was worth it, if those few months of happines and joy was worth now being at the same point again as I was, before I met you, and yes it was worth it. Because those few months with you, were one of the best months of my life, and nobody can take away my memories. Maybe one day I will dream the same about some other random guy, but no one can ever give me what you gave me. Although I want to hate you right now, because you broke your promise, I can't, I just can't hate the person I love. Nightmares and insomnias take the place of our pleasant dreams again, but I guess I just have to deal with, because I guess I am a big girl now, and you don't have to take care about me anymore, you don't have to hold me tight anymore while i fall asleep, you don't have to make me eat something anymore, and you don't have to make my day anymore by saying that you love me.

To A Beloved One...

You hurt me bad and at the moment I wish I never had met you! I put up with all of your attitudes for 2 months, I tried to understand why you are like that, and now you just want to give up on everything, and you say it would be better for me, but I don't care what is or not best for me. I love you and I thought that you loved me to. But it isn't anymore like that, and you know since 3 weeks that your feelings aren't the same anymore, but you told me absolutely nothing about it, you just started to act strangely and moved further away from me. I don't know how I could have been so stupid and believed that for once I will be happy and have some luck. But somehow I am not rewarded with that kind of luxuries. I thought that with you, I would have found my soulmate, and you made me believe that, but as you now made me understand that it never was like this. You made me soo many promises and the way you said them, made me believe them. I can't believe that someone so nice,charming and sweet can act in such a way. If you really think that it would be better for me that we break up, then you really don't know what is best for me. It's probably only what is best for you. I am soo fed up of all your attitudes, but i put up with them, because I know that many times you don't mean the things, and that in the end you are one of the best persons I ever met in my whole life. I tried not to freak out on friday when you were at my house and totally ignored me, you didn't even properly kiss me. You don' know how much it hurts being rejected and how it made me feel. The thing that is eve worse is that on saturday we were talking face to face about our relationship and you just said that it would be better if we took a break, but you weren't able to tell me the truth, that you actually didn't want to go out with me anymore and that taking a break was just the step before breaking up. You say it is only your fault, but I know that I also did things i shouldn't have said or done and I feel bad about it, and I hope you can forgive me for what I said! But there is one big difference between us, and that is tha if I would have noticed that my feelings for you are changing and that I don't want to continue having a relationship with you, I would have told you face to face, and I wouldnt have waited 3 long weeksand made everything even worse. I hope we find a way to work things out, and what I most hope for is that things go back the way they were, because we started off so well and we were so in love, and now everything is just ruined.

The Bug in Scotland

One day Papita, the Puta and O'Maria and the bug went to Scotland. They didn't know that the bug came along with them, it's horrendously disgusting master called Renata, made it. She hates us all because we aren't so god damn hairy like her, and because we are much prettier. She told the bug to destroy the family Papita, the Puta and O'Maria were going to create. This is only possible because in Scotland it is legally allowed that three hot girls can ge married to eachother and get pregnant without a guy. The three chicas were so happy because that was their dream and nothing was allowed to destroy it. They all three got pregnant at the same time by a miracle, right after tey got married, but the bug was already in full action of preparing how to destroy them. The day the three babies were born, it attacked them with the army it had formed during the time the Hotties were pregnant. It's intention was to kill the happy family. They all crawled into the girl's house, luckily they had an anti-bug alarm, which killed most of the monsters, but THE BUG came through to the girls and the babies. It then tortured Papita, but O'Maria slapped it and she thought she killed it, but the story will continue...

The Bug

The day before Valentines day I met the bug! It came wandering out the roses the monster Renata distribuited to the star-crossed lovers. It was crawling towards Leonor's workbook and as we detected it, it crawled inside it, as it was told by the Grudge a.k.a Renata. The bug's mission was to scare the Puta a.k.a Leonor and O'Maria a.k.a Katharina. Luckily O'Maria had the great idea of killing the bug, therefore she slammed the book. Somehow the Puta's mind was infected by the bug for a few seconds, so she threw the papers with the bug towards O'Maria, but the bug didn't suceed, O'Maria elegantely terriffied the bug with a loud outcry and with a punch carried out by her steal fist. The bug disappeared and probably ran back to his machiavelic master. This incident deeply marked the Puta's and O'Maria's life forever and they swear revenge